Two words. Part two.

Jane sat with her stepmum, holding on to her dads hand. It was quiet, or maybe Jane couldn’t hear what was happening around her? She stared at his hand holding hers – no, her hand holding his.

Confused?

Numb?

He was gone and Jane was in shock.

‘Shit!’ Jane went to let go of his hand and couldn’t. I don’t mean that she emotionally couldn’t, I mean physically – Rigor Mortis had started and his hand was “stuck” around hers. “I can’t get him off!” She flew into panic mode. Still staring at his hand, heart pounding, her stepmum carefully removed his hand from Janes.

No one could get hold of Janes brother for a while. He deals with stuff in his own way. He finally returned to the hospital as people were leaving. Their mum stayed with him. “Come on girls, we need to get to your sister.”

Their sister – half sister, same dad. Same dead dad. 25th July. Her birthday. Her 8th birthday. Today.

‘Oh my god.’

It all blurred. Somehow they had got to their dads house. In they went, smiling.

Smiling?

“Happy Birthday! I’m so sorry I forgot your present, I’ll grab it for you later.”

The words fell out of her mouth. A quick hug, on she walked to the living room.

Smiling.

This 14 year old girl and her 17 year old sister had just watched as their dad took his last breath and now, here they were, pretending as if it was just a normal day!

That’s not normal!

Who in their right mind would expect them to do that?

But it was their younger sisters 8th birthday, it would’ve been cruel if they hadn’t.

Wouldn’t it?

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Happy Birthday

68. Not old old, but not particularly young either.

20 years. Where did those years go?

I wonder what you’d look like now.

47. Too young to die.

14. Too young to grieve.

35. 12 years.

20 and 18 – still too young.

Years. Age. Numbers. Head fuck.

My dog doesnโ€™t like my mum!!!

Our puppy loves everyone, that is except my mum! I don’t get it? Literally from the first time he met her. Take the other day for example, the door knocks and he bolted to the door and started barking as usual whenever the door knocks. When I opened the door he took one look at my mum and immediately started to back away, he lowered himself and growled then proceeded to bark while backing away. Then he scarpered and spent the whole time she was there in the garden apart from when we got the kids from school, he came in to investigate but as soon as he spotted Mum off he went again. He literally lowers his body and runs away with his tail down like he’s scared. When Mum left I called him in. It took me ages to get him to go in the living room, he clearly thought she was still there. Eventually he dared to look for himself and realised she was gone. He ran to the door and sniffed it, and the toilet door. Then when he was satisfied she had left he went back to normal.

My mum, a very awkward person (wonder where I get it from!) who can be difficult and, sometimes, downright strange! But she is kind hearted and is very much an animal person. Cats are her favourite, no doubt about that, she has always had them. But she loves animals in general, she would never do them any harm. And animals normally love her, she makes a fuss over them and uses a silly high pitched voice that they thrive on! So why does my dog not like her?

She came round the other day (I’ve taken a break since I started writing this post) and he did the usual growling and barking. But we made “progress” of sorts, he came in the living room to tell her off! So funny! He literally came in, lowered himself, looked up at her and barked several times. Then he walked back out again and went to sit in the garden and sulk.

Yes, he is most definitely a sulker! It’s kind of like having a stroppy child stamping their feet when they don’t get their own way. You know, arms folded, frowning and stomping away in a paddy. If he doesn’t get his way or he pushes the boundaries too far and gets told off he’ll sulk, it’s like he’s giving you the silent treatment. He will literally turn his face away from you if you go to him when he’s not finished sulking!

Shit, I’ve gone off course now! Haha, scatter brain!

So, why does my dog dislike my mum? I’d love to get into that head of his! Instead, I guess I’ll just have to wonder and hope it sorts itself out…

(The picture is him sulking in the garden when my mum was round!)

A punch in the gut

A little while ago I wrote about my half sister and how her losing her partner made me realise I feel for her as a human being and not as family.

Well, the 25th July saw the 20 year anniversary of our dads passing and her 28th birthday. I had just done some shopping and had loaded everything into the car when, as I started the engine, I glanced up and there she was. She had just got out of her uncle’s car, her youngest in a pushchair and her eldest by her side. Off went the engine, I stood up with one foot out of the car and found myself calling her name across the car park. Honestly, in that moment, I think it was more of a defence tactic – a case of avoiding the backlash if she had in fact seen me and I chose to drive off! Sounds horrible but, due to lots of experience in her pettiness, I have learned to pacify her where possible!

Anyway, she looked up and there it was, that look like her whole world had fallen apart in that instant. That look you get when something hits you like a punch in the gut. The tears were there, she held them back and began to walk towards me, kids in tow. I got out of the car, slowly feeling something but it didn’t click what just yet. We came face to face, I’m not even sure how long it had been – put it this way I’d never met her youngest who wasn’t far off of 2. I asked her how she was and I watched as she tried to speak while stopping herself from breaking, then the two words she mustered “I’m trying” came out and it was my turn for the punch in the gut. I put my arms around her and she broke. My big sister instincts kicked in and I realised what I was feeling. My baby sister was broken and it hurt like hell. We stood there and, for the first time in a very long time, her pain was my pain and I would’ve done anything to stop her from hurting.

I guess, when all is said and done, we are sisters and (in some circumstances) – no matter how distant we are normally or how brief the moment is – that trumps everything.

Never mind, carry on

Oh dear, it appears I may be back in that mode. Feeling too much. Feeling overwhelmed by everything and anything. Doctor Foster nearly had me bawling for pity’s sake! Ridiculous really.

I’ve stopped and sat, so much to do and not enough time to do it in but I’ve stopped and sat. Regretting that now because it’s sunk in that I’m back in crazy mode. It was becoming more and more apparent over the last few days – or has it been weeks? – but now I’ve stopped and sat it’s hit me. Here we go again.

Can’t think about that now though, I start work in less than an hour. Need to run in my dear old Grans house and pick up a wee sample to drop off at the doctors – yet another infection – then it’s off to work for a few hours before the kids finish school.

Tired.

Never mind, carry on.

Kids, the pup and my man

I can hear the kids playing upstairs – the fake American accents are in full swing ๐Ÿ˜‚ so funny! I could listen to them all day when they are like this, playing nicely and getting along. Won’t last long though, soon they’ll be bickering because one doesn’t want to do what the other one does or one of them will decide they want to change roles and the other one won’t want to! “That’s not fair! It’s my turn.” And then comes the inevitable “MUUUUUUUUM!” And that sound of two sets of feet running across the laminate floor, into the hallway and down the stairs. It’s a race, who can get to me first to tattle tail?

But, right now, it’s peaceful. I’m sat on the sofa and the dog is laying by the window (yes we now have a puppy!) sleeping peacefully.

There was quite a long time where I didn’t post anything, I think the whole 6 weeks holidays and then some. In that time quite a few things have occurred – some trivial and some not so.

My daughter turned 6! 6?! How did that happen? Is seems like 5 minutes ago she had just started nursery and hated it, now she’s in year 1 and loving school! No more crying and clinging to me, she just walks in and barely gives me a glance. She suits 6, with its soft edges and curly whirley shape. Unlike 5, a ridged line followed by a curve then you add the top line last. What’s that about? No real start or finish. It’s all awkward and higgledy piggledy! No, 6 is much better, much more comfortable.

Parents evening was last week, I sat there and listened to both teachers tell me how wonderful my children are ๐Ÿ˜Š how well behaved and bright they both are, how confident my son is and how my daughter is gaining confidence every day (she even puts her hand up to answer questions!) Proud mum right here! Honestly, I was worried that they would both take after me – don’t get me wrong, the fact that they’re bright and well behaved is definitely from me (and that’s great) but my confidence level sucked! It still does!

Yes, their confidence definitely comes from their dad. He is loud and head strong with an ability to both piss people off and charm the birds from the trees all with little to no effort. Some people don’t know how to take him, he’s been called aggressive – not physically by the way, he is in no way violent – and some people don’t like the language he uses. Others take him as he is, potty mouth and all, because they know he has a heart of gold and his brutal honesty, although at times inconvenient, can be refreshing and just what people need to hear (whether they like it or not).

So, the inevitable squabble between the kids came and went – along with the peace and quiet – and the day has been and gone. Me and the hubby are watching a film and the kids are asleep (I hope, it’s 9:30!). The pup has disappeared, probably to the utility room where he likes to lay. I think he likes the cool floor by the back door. Plus he likes his own space at times, away from humans in general whether they’re touching him, looking at him or breathing in his general direction! Funny little thing. Reading those last three words back made me chuckle. Yes he’s a puppy, at 19 and a half weeks he’s an adorable, cheeky, clumsy thing but he is by no means little! Weighing in at 23 kilos he is heavier than both of my kids and can end up taking me for a walk rather than the other way around ๐Ÿ˜‚ He is a beautiful German Shepherd, mostly black with a white patch on his chest and one white tipped paw. He also has some grey in places and some tints of brown. People are always saying how unusual his colouring is, most people assume he is crossed with another breed. He’s not. Both parents are German Shepherds, his dad a black/blue and his mum pure white. Gorgeous.

You know, I’ve totally lost my thread! Interrupted yet again and now it’s morning. As per usual the boys are up – my son is playing a game on his phone and the pup is chewing on his cow ear (which bloody stinks!). I think I need to end this post before I start to ramble about something else!

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone ๐Ÿ™‚

International Stammering Awareness Day

Monday 22nd October 2018. International Stammering Awareness Day. A day that saw Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and many more social media platforms flooded with posts about Stammering. People sharing their experiences. A chance for people to express themselves, embrace their stammer and say “hey I stammer and that’s ok” a chance for people like me to say “my child stammers and I’m proud, every single day, of his courage and ability to carry on regardless” a day where we all came together, no matter how far apart, and joined hands to support one another and raise awareness.

My child stammers. My son. Since he could first string more than 1 word together. It’s been, and remains to be, a struggle for him and us, a never ending roller coaster ride with so many twists and turns it leaves us dizzy and worn out. But it’s a journey worth taking and it makes me so proud that his confidence prevails and he will talk to anyone regardless of how much he is stammering at that particular moment. His confidence astounds me.

My nearly 8 year old boy, my first born, my rainbow baby. If I could take my magic mummy wand and make it disappear I would in a heartbeat. Or if I could magic the world into a place of acceptance, a place where people don’t ask you why you talk the way you do, where nobody pokes fun at you or looks at you like you’re weird, where people have the patience to listen to what you’re saying rather than how you’re saying it. Oh, my beautiful boy, I would. To me you are perfect xXx